Christmas Eve

It is Christmas time and I can hardly believe it. It sneaks up on you when you live in a setting with no real seasons. Seeing the time I am typing tonight I will be surprised if I make it to midnight mass this evening.

I don't quite have the spirit. If I thought to much of it, it would probably bring me to tears. The virgin birth, our savior coming to earth. I start thinking of how miraculous any birth is. I asked for family members to donate to pro-life charities. They didn't take it seriously. I would prefer to give chance for life coming in this world than any material gift though. Children are so precious and yet are greatly devalued. The common person was insulted by my suggestion. It does break my heart when I hear their outcry against pro-life, its against life in general.

I haven't put anything political here before. I didn't mean to do so either. I had a picture of myself going to mass tonight and tears streaming down my face. Its mostly emotions. I do acknowledge that, but is it really that bad.

I think of Mary and all I think of is I pray for a similar gift. I pray for the gift of child. I think there is no better gift to have. Isn't that part of what this is about? Our lord and savior was born to this world in the setting of a manger and a young mother, scared and making her way with a new life and husband. This is birthday celebration. Jesus was born.

I don't know if I'm making sense. I need sleep. I continue to pray that the Lord will bless me with child. I would give everything I have for this. I was thinking of that today. What is this job to me, what is most without having a family. Mary, pray for me.

To a wonderful Christmas Eve....

All Souls Day

I went to church without the realization that it was All Souls Day. I have to admit that holiday's become a blur, especially if they are not celebrated by our society as a whole. I have a feeling of comfort though every time I allow myself to fall into the routine of going to church on Sunday and thinking of our lives in a religious connotation.

I remember my grandmother giving me statues of Mother Mary during important events like my First Communion and Confirmation, that was the last she was alive for. My aunt always reminding me that I am her God Daughter and giving me rosaries or crucifixes whenever we are together. In fact she still does.

My life and my image has always been tied very close to the Catholic Church. I did loose a sense of that for a few years. I had lost my sense of right and wrong. It took reading St. Thomas Aquinas and prayer to bring me back to the church fully, but I know that there are many that are not as lucky as me. It seems to me that Catholic today has about as much meaning to some who call themselves Jewish. They don't celebrate the religious activities of the Church, but their image is tied to the Church in their upbringing and their family's connections to the church. For them, they go on with their life and the church they grew up with is no longer a part of their lives. I don't know who is to blame for this transition; all I do know is that it is real.

There are certain things I could think that may play part in this. Going to mass and not recognizing it as the same. There may be gentile guitars instead of the strong sound of the organ pipes or their may be interpretive dance and songs that are unrecognizable to you. Those little things are important to Catholic mass, since so much is out of habit and repetition. I find eating and drinking the body and blood of Christ essential to mass. A major problem is that many churches seem to cut out half of the Eucharist. Today, I didn't even see anyone serving the blood of Christ. I saw it blessed and then it disappeared. This left me troubled. Also, I noticed that they were speaking at the end of mass about activities for teens and how they need to sign up quickly for these events to make sure they get a place. I counted two in the entire church today. Adam leaned over to me and whispered, "I don't think they will have too much competition for those spots." I nodded and clapped for the speaker.

I know there is a great secularization in our society and I fear the impact of this, but I also fear of the reaction of religious institutions. When everything in our life is confused by sin and there is constant confrontation from a secular society, church should be the comfort zone for its followers. Why must their be change other than to revert to our older traditions?

Those are the things going through my head today. I love the church and I love being a Catholic and I pray for the future of the church. I don't know who is to lead them when we are older and I do not know who will populate its masses. I just have a feeling for the adults today, that when we are old, the church will not be what we remembered in our youth.

My Prayer

I pray for successful conception. Mother Mary pray for me. Lord Jesus Christ please help me. I know I will only conceive with your blessing. I pray that you make it possible to start my family and so my husband will know the full joys of growing a family together. In your name I pray, Amen.

Hope

I had a moment about a month or so ago where I lost faith. When you lose faith everything else seems to come tumbling down around you.

Why did it happen?

I had lost the belief that I will have a child. My thoughts were that my body will not produce a child and I questioned God. I was mad and I was selfish. It took Adam to bring forward what was wrong and to question why I had little faith? Did I not truly believe that God gave good gifts? For a moment I questioned this. I questioned if I would ever have a child, which I believe is one of the biggest gifts that God gives to women. I feel ashamed of it now.

Adam had us go to mass, which I have to admit it is not something of my regular schedule. I felt like crying in church as the priest gave the sermon of the mustard seed. Why didn't I believe that God would know what is right for me? How did I let my emotions take over to such an extent. I asked for his forgiveness and everything was peaceful once again.

That was awhile ago and I still feel that I will have children. I just miscarried and am still bleeding from it, but I still have hope. I know that is important. I still have hope that I will have a child. I thank God even for giving me the chance to be pregnant, even if for a short time. It still is a blessing and I hope I have the chance to carry to term soon. I pray to God that he would give me that gift.

I was watching a video and look at pictures of fake babies and I started balling. Regardless of my faith, my head is messed up. I know it is emotions and I can see through that. I thank God for that. Sometimes I just pray that things can loosen up a little. I don't handle stress well and I am trying everything to keep from getting too stressed out. With this, I have the problems above plus I have the financial problems of trying to start a new business. Adam's position is not so great either. I do wish that I can bring my children into a similar home and situation that I had growing up, but I question that more every day.

But regardless of these hard times you always must remember to be thankful for what you have. Being able to afford a home and electricity is a blessing. Having family and friends are a blessing.

God please help me always remember the good things in times a trouble. Regardless, nothing felt worse than the moment of lost faith. Hope is an essential.

I need a hobby and some exercise

My legs ache for no real reason. I can't figure it out. I am constantly aching at my hip as well. I think I need some exercise. My problem is that my anxiety gets in the way of that and what time I do spend walking I am aching. Does it ever get easier? My biggest problem is I feel like I am in a transition point. I know I am, which it should be wonderful because I know what the next stage is. The next stage of life is the most beautiful part of all. At least that is what I feel like right now. Motherhood is next...

I know it is.

No, I am not pregnant. Yes, I have been trying to be a mother for a year now. I still do know it will be coming soon. I try every day to add something more to make life better and to get myself ready for that stage. It started with simple things like perfecting my hygiene. Then it went to trying to make sure that I do things like take vitamins and try to cut out the extra caffeine during the day. I hope for everything else will fall into place.

Though there is one little thing that is probably why am not pregnant. Actually, not a little thing, I am overweight. I've been overweight since I stopped drinking, smoking and other such unhealthy habits I stopped before I married Adam. Now it is actually quite normal for even one of those things to push you from being a petite little cute girl into an overweight woman. Now I had all of those with an under active thyroid and some anxiety issues that made it hard for me to leave the house.

I can not use those excuses anymore. I've been able to get everything else under control. I tried going to a therapist to get my anxiety under control, but unfortunately that did not work. I found myself after more than one session to anxious to leave the car. I had to have Adam come pick me up from about thirty minutes away from the office. I have generalized anxiety. I have figured out I just have to work around the bad times. Now I just need to get over it enough to loose weight.

You notice that is not the only thing in the title. The other part also has to do with the transitions in my life. I am trying to keep down my anxiety, work a normal job, prepare to have a baby and let Adam do his job. His takes a few more hours than mine. That means I need to occupy myself when he works. I thought of classes, but that is too stressful. Before that I thought I would help him, that was not much better. So I have to have something to occupy me that won't stress me.

Maybe just writing. I think that sounds good.

My head is heavy

My head is heavy. I have things I want to do, but not the energy to move. Several things that move around in my head of what I would want to do. I want to paint a woman with dark brown hair. I see the highlights on her face in my head. I see the color of paints and think of the mixtures to create the colors. I see the finished product and at the same time the original outline. Why I see this woman. I have no idea. I also have no idea of why I want to paint her. I also hear the piano. I can think of pieces I want to work on and know that my hands need to relearn them. The notes still make sense in my head, but it is my fingers that are not up to speed with my brain. I have a fear of loosing those notes all together and so want to play. I also greatly enjoy playing. Hearing the song flow exactly as you expect it to in your head. It brings you to a different place that is more peaceful, because music is the only thing you are concentrating on. Music is quite different when your whole body is into the action of creating it. I'm thinking of all these things, but now I am sitting on the couch thinking of how my head hurts and the bed sounds so good right now. The only thing that keeps me from walking those extra steps is the warmth of Adam's body against me on the couch. My head is so heavy and my brain hurts to function. I hate my sinuses.

Comfort

There is such a burst of rain that you know that it will only be temporary. At least that is what I've learned. It starts out in a rush and it is very calming, especially sitting here on my own on a Saturday morning. The only stress is that I know one of our car windows is stuck down and that I've been watching a movie on TV and the satellite was knocked out.

I rarely have mornings where I am the first person awake. Adam always rises before me. I would say that it is pleasant, but no, my place isn't the most comfortable. Not in the sense that it drags on me or anything emotional bothers me. I mean that I can feel the wood under the cushion of the couch and this is one of the most uncomfortable things I've sat on.

I was watching a movie and was paying more attention to the old house they were in rather than the plot, having seen it several times. It was an old southern house, white, with a wrap around porch. It reminded me of my grandmothers house. Talk about ultimate comfort. The walls, the layout, the furniture and the smell all bring comfort in an older house like that one. Unfortunately my grandmother died years ago and the house is also gone to other owners. Still it is very much something I remember as very comfortable place, regardless of when the heat got to you because there wasn't the best air conditioning. That I guess is more emotional comfort, but right now I wish I was sitting there in the morning by myself rather than here. I'm sure that will change once Adam wake's up. Then we can leave and go on with the day, then the house won't matter.

The rain stopped and the satellite is working again. It happens so quickly.

I am very happy

My life has been wearing on me recently. I have been happy for the most part, but honestly at the first of this week I did not think that I would make it through my job to Friday. I have to admit at one point I felt like cussing out my boss, at another I felt myself sinking into the chair listening to Catholic Radio station for the first half and Rush for the second. Not really listening, but it kind of drowns out everyone else in the office where I can listen to the phone.

Does anyone else get annoyed when people talk to much it distracts you? I have a sells job and there are people around just talking politics and about the latest thing on entertainment tonight, or whatever it is they watch. Me, I just want to sell. Is that so crazey? So I roll my eyes when I hear what people talk about and hope that I can get by okay. Once I hear my name I just give short answers or put up my finger to show I am on the phone. Maybe it is not the best way to build relations in the office, but honestly by the end I didn't seem to care. The words that kept going through my head is, "this is temporary, this is temporary." But that can only get through the day, and getting up in the morning is that much harder, especially when it is at the first of the week.

Today I just found myself to be the most senior person in my office, under my boss, who didn't come down physically to my office till after I started. There was just one other person over me and they left today. That person didn't like me, talked bad about me behind my back and was nice to my face. I didn't even notice they left, and they weren't very secretive about it. I guess some things bother me, but for the most part I was extremely happy that they were gone. Everything just seemed much brighter at the end of the day, and it wasn't for once just because of the weekend. I honestly am happy for Monday even.

This is a major change. I was starting to think that there was something else completely wrong with my life. I felt like I was in this holding pattern in my life that kept me anxious about everything. Do I change? What do I change? I am happy with most and I see a positive light at the end of the tunnel, but right now how can things get better? Maybe I was just being impatient. I felt in a constant uncomfortable holding pattern. This morning it was more important for me to get a coffee from Starbucks than to make it to the office on time for a conference call from one of the main guys in the company. Adam was telling me that he would be fired if he was that late. The only thing that made me care was that I would be leaving because they would be kicking me out rather than me leaving on my own terms.

But I hope that I will continue to be happy for now. I do have stress of wanting a baby too, but as long as I can stand my job then I can make it through life day by day. Job is not your life, but it sure takes up a good chunk of it. The holding pattern will be less painful in waiting to be a mother.

Eve's New Start

Its never too late to pick up on something that you started. I'm not going to bother to read to see where I left off. This will just be a new start. One change will be the use of my own art. It seems more appropriate and I have plenty to put in from my collection.

I think my original intent in picking Eve as my name is because of her figure in true love with Adam. Eve was truly made for Adam, and there is no better love story there. I see that in the love for my husband. He is the true love of my life. I like to think that I was taken from him and Eve was from Adam. Beyond that, I see as Eve as the natural stature of a woman. She was the first to sin. She was the first to be a mother. She was the first to accept her position in life and women appear to have problems accepting their position since then. Obviously, I am not much of a feminist.

Maybe I will get to those issues later. I am just reintroducing myself at this point.

God's Love

Why hold on to the pain of the past? My memories have haunted me. When those memories came back to thier fullest this blog was where I wrote and relived them. It felt right to put those instances, those scenes into writing. But I have not felt compelled to post for some time now. Last night I was crying to Adam. It wasn't because I felt fear or pain, but instead it was because of how happy I am. I've realized recently how miraculously my life has changed. Adam told me the verse I put up earlier:

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

I knew it was true. It has been very true in my life. What happened? I apologized for once. For the drugs, for the lies, for the horrible things that I had done. I asked for forgiveness. Then I prayed for help. I remember walking by myself and thinking I cannot be alone. It is not my calling to be in a convent and it was not right how I was living my life at that time. I needed someone. I needed Adam. He was introduced to me the very next day. But that is not all. My life has been completely transformed. There is no reason why I cannot continue this blog simply because I have no feelings of pain to post. This blog is also a representation of my faith. I also chose Eve to tell of my love for Adam. We both have our faults, but he has truly helped bring me closer to our Father. For these reasons, I have much more to tell. That will come later. Now I need to sleep.

May God bless you all and the Holy Spirit keep you strong.

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Our Father gives good gifts

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

-Matthew 7:7-11

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Eve's Constant Worries

I have not been myself as of recently. Well, I think that statement is true. In a sense though, I am not sure what normal is. Maybe a better way of putting it is that my life has been rather crazy for years now and now that things in my life are quite normal, I don't know how to react to them. I overreact to everything. I think things through enough to drive someone crazy. It is usually that I am planning through my head how Adam reacts to things. Have I mentioned this before? If I have I apologize having you read it again.

To continue on, I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed that I was in a cabin or some vacation spot and I was there with both Adam and Amnon. Most of the time I spent laying around with Adam, but every once and awhile Amnon came in and started to talk to me. Nothing really offensive though. Just something about going out and having a beer or asking something about the cabin. Adam seemed to keep getting offended every time that I would talk to him. One time Amnon came in and he mentioned something about my weight. This really pissed Adam off and I got Amnon out of the room so that Adam wouldn't attack him. I was protecting Amnon. I looked up at him and I saw this distant look in his eyes. He didn't look like he was really there. I associate that look with insanity. I told him to go somewhere, anything to get him out of the cabin, and I went back into the room with Adam. The last I remember of the dream was that Adam was mad at me. He was packing stuff up and he was mad that I protected him. I tried to tell him that I loved him and I didn't understand my own reactions, but it didn't seem to work.

The dream shows my own fears. Amnon is long gone and I don't have to worry about him really coming around me at all, but there is part of our relationship that lingers. Its that part that I fear will effect my relationship with Adam. It's simply my reactions. I would do too much for Amnon so as to try and make him happy. I was under the delusion that it was me that made things bad and if I worked hard enough at the relationship that he would be nice to me. I tried to be the perfect girlfriend. This meant that I would think into every single reaction that he had to see when my safety might be in jeopardy. I still do that with Adam. The difference is that Adam is not an insane prick. So this getting me nowhere except for being extremely stressed for no real reason. Adam is meant for Eve there should be no question there, but there is always something in my mind about what if I do something that will make him not love me anymore.? What if it is something that I didn't put any thought into? What if it is one of my natural reactions?

Its insane, yes. Sometimes I feel kind of insane myself for not having much control of it. I just pray that one day this will go way. May God take away my worries, because there is no reason for them to be there.

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Eve's Marriage

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work; If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

-Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

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Eve's Insanity

Have you ever wanted to kill yourself? I can't say that I have. I've heard that it is horrible to even contemplate suicide. I have thought about it, but it was rather depressing to think that there would be no more life. It wasn't like I was actually thinking about actually doing it. It was more like, "What would happen if I killed myself?" When I thought about it, suicide seemed really stupid. Suicide also seemed incredibly selfish. At that time I was probably around 13 years old. I knew that my family would miss me. I knew that it would hurt people that I cared deeply for. So I never understood why there are those that would do such a thing. In fact the contemplation of suicide made me feel better as strange as that might seem.

When I was about 18 or 19 I was sure that I would never wish to kill myself, but life seemed too much for me at that time. I wanted to go insane instead. That probably wasn't a much better idea, but life was rather overwhelming for me at that point. I felt alone and insanity seemed more pleasant than reality. If I was insane maybe I wouldn't at least feel like my life was so horrible. It wasn't the best feeling. My family was no where near me. They also had no idea of the problems I was facing. Plus, I had wasted much of their money on drugs. I felt like I was more of a burden on them than anything else. I was failing school, I was being abused by my boyfriend and I was addicted to some nasty substance called crank. I could say that I was at my all time low. Well, it was at least one of them.

I remember laying in my crappy bed at night by myself. I had taken a bunch of LSD. I don't know how much now, not really important. I was looking up at the ceiling. Everything around me seemed to be going crazy. Everything was in motion when it should of been staying still. I felt like I was insane. I felt my mind was gone and there was some sort of satisfaction in that. What worries are there for the insane. They don't have the brain to think of them. I stayed there motionless mostly listening to my breathing as I felt my brain loosing its grip. It was like my conscious self was escaping me into nothingness, and I made no effort to cling to it.

It is obvious that I didn't go insane. As they say, all good things must come to an end. This was no exception. I prayed to God to keep me there. To not let myself come back to this harsh reality that I was living in. I wanted peace. Strange that I thought insanity would be peace, but you could say that the crank had already loosened a few screws in my head to where I wasn't quite myself on a normal day. Yes, I eventually closed my eyes to go to sleep. I've done LSD on several occasions. I don't remember how many, but every time I go to sleep I remember the same thing. I would listen to my heart beat. It would feel like it was in my ears. Sometimes I would think that it would stop it was so irregular. It would cease for a moment and I would feel my body freeze, but then a moment later it would keep on going. I would drift off to sleep the nonsense dreams of a drug addict.

In the morning I realized that it was ridiculous to think that I would loose my mind in such a way. I don't remember exactly what I did that day. I was probably with Amnon and his friends at some point, went to work and went to class. I remember life went on in a haze at that point. As sad as it may seem, I craved those moments of insanity.

Would you say I was suicidal? I don't know what to call it now other than depressed. Right now, I'm sitting at home wrapped in a blanket with a head cold. Not the best day ever, but I enjoy being in position right now much more than at that point in my past. I have the feeling of love and security. I never had that back then. I thank God now that I didn't loose my mind, then I couldn't enjoy my time now with Adam. I probably would have never truly found peace.

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Morning Prayer

O my God!
I offer Thee all my actions of this day
for the intentions and for the glory
of the Sacred Heart of Jesus.
I desire to sanctify every beat of my heart,
my every thought,
my simplest works,
by uniting them to His infinite merits;
and I wish to make reparation for my sins
by casting them into the furnace of His merciful love.
O my God,
I ask of Thee for myself and for those dear to me
the grace to fulfill perfectly Thy holy will,
to accept, for love of Thee,
the joys and sorrows of this passing life,
so that we may one day be united together
in Heaven for all eternity.
Amen.

by SAINT THERESE DE LISIEUX

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Eve Reminiscing

Did he tell me that he was going to kill me? I don't remember right off hand. I do remember that he didn't think that I was his girlfriend. He didn't think that I was who I claimed I was. I pleaded with him at first that I was Eve, the same one that he loved. I believe that he said that I was some kind of demon and that I had killed one of his friends earlier that day. His friend was reincarnated into a spider I happened to kill in the car earlier. He told me that I had killed him when he was trying to relay a message to him. He threw me against the bed with one hand clenching my neck, and in the other was a knife. His folding knife that he carried regularly was open against my throat. I looked into his eyes and all I saw was insanity. Yes, he did tell me that he was going to kill me, and I did believe that I was going to die. He was telling me about how easy it would be to slit my throat. I didn't cry hysterically though. I didn't try to throw him off. I was numb. Completely numb. Though I think I apologized for killing 'his friend' earlier. I thought maybe it would calm him down. Maybe he wouldn't see me as his enemy anymore.

That night Amnon had taken several pills and drank heavily. I was alone in the house with him, and I knew that he was not in his right mind. For some reason though, I felt that I shouldn't tell anyone. I had a feeling that I needed to protect him. It wasn't the first time that he had done that. It wasn't the first time that my life was threatened, but that is one instance that plays through my head often. Maybe because I really thought I was going to die. I thought I was going to die and the reasoning behind it was because I killed a spider.

The next morning all was forgotten. I asked Amnon if he remembered the night before. He responded with humor when I mentioned the story about the spider. He didn't remember and he didn't think that it was real. It was like the whole abuse that was happening to me was part of my own imagination. Did anyone else see it? I told others that I thought he was mental, but they didn't believe me. Maybe I should have told them the story. I think I wanted it to be my own imagination though. I enjoyed Amnon's company most of the time. He was entertaining and I had this motherly feeling of needing to take care of him. If I didn't say anything about what happened maybe it wouldn't be true. Maybe it was only my imagination.

I think it took someone else actually telling me that he was abusive for me to realize that he was. Does that sound strange? It was really only when he was doing drugs and drinking that he acted that way, or if he was really depressed. I think I did my share of rationalization in that area. He was nice to me if he was in his right mind, so maybe it isn't really his fault?

I can say that now I think that is crap. He was abusive and he happened to also be insane. It was an added bonus of there being no real logic to his abuse. I was having my life threatened over stuff I knew was not real. I was being abused for a psycho's paranoid delusions about demons and insects. Even as I'm writing this I can't help but chuckle. Sick humor, but it is undeniable that it is there. It could seem also disturbing that such an instance could make someone laugh having lived through it. My memory is kind of distorted. I watched it happen to me. It didn't seem real, and it still doesn't seem completely real. I would much rather be able to look back at it and laugh at this. Who wants to remember such events anyway. You want to have fond memories of your past come to mind. I have had a great lack of those come to mind recently. Right now I just want to look back and laugh, or look back and have it be a vague picture in my mind. Now I'll live with this.

God help me through this as I remember it once again.

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Parables

The disciples approached him and said, "Why do you speak to them in parables?" He said to them in reply, "Because knowledge of the mysteries of the kongdom of heaven has been granted to you, but to them it has not been granted. To anyone who has, more will be given and he will grow rich; from anyone who has not. even what has will be taken away. This is why I speak to them in parables, because 'they look but do not see and hear but do not listen or understand'.
-Matthew 13:10-13

Eve's dreams

It seems that my subconscience is worried about Adam getting mad at me. I've had two nights in a row that I did drugs in my dream and at the end of the dream I tell Adam. He does not react well to me telling him. The first one he just left. The second one, he just seemed disappointed.

The night before last I dreamed that I was meeting Adam's friends. They forced coke under my nose (not realistic) and I snorted it. Adam saw me do it and ran out. Why was he not mad at his friends? Who knows. Its what my head makes up. His friends all seemed like tv characters and a girl in the dream shoved it at my nose. My nose was covered with coke. What sucked the most in the dream was seeing others around me doing it and having the craving for more. I was worried about Adam, but I wanted more. By the end of the dream I was shoving my face in a pillow trying to ignore the other people in the room doing coke.

Tonight I had a dream that I was in my home town. This was where I had most of my drug problems. I was visiting people I use to know. Now that I'm awake, I realize they were people my head made up. There was a guy and a girl. The guy in the dream was who I was friends with more. We went to some person's house. There were alot of people standing around smoking weed. I thought, 'What the hell, I'll smoke.' So I smoked. I was stoned and the girl with me was pissing me off. I had a realization while I was stoned that these people sucked and I left. The only problem was that I had no car and I could not find my shoes. So I walked out of the house, in only socks, and started walking through the neighborhood. I knew that my parents' house was not too far off (in reality they do not live thier anymore). The dream swtiched to where I was walking around in the place I live at now. I was constantly avoiding broken glass on the ground and wishing that I had known where my shoes were and where my car was. Then Adam pulled up. He was wondering why I was walking around in just my socks. I started off telling him the story, but I did not get past telling him that I was stoned. He did not want to hear anymore. I was trying to tell him it was like the crazey stuff that usually happened in my hometown, but he did not want to listen. That was the end of the dream.

I think it is a good sign that I am dreaming about the negative effects of using drugs. For instance, making Adam mad. Also possibly wandering around with no shoes avoiding broken glass. I think that you have to worry if you have those dreams where there's cocaine everywhere and you are having a party with your friends and there are no worries and all of that crap. So, I'm not really too worried. I'm just wondering what will happen in my dream tonight. Will I be wondering around with Amnon smoking meth and run into Adam then have him leave me again in the dream. Maybe he'll kick Amnon's ass in the dream. Meth is one substance I do not want to dream about though. Especially with Amnon.

That is it for now.
God bless and good day.

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Rape of the temple

There has been something bothering me recently. I worry about my past sexual experiences. I think about what I have done and I cannot help but to feel guilty. I have been told that when I confess my sins that God will forgive me. I have had problems forgiving myself. Why could I not have thought in the past of my body as a temple of christ. Something sacred. I can say that I have a realization of the need to be with only one person now. I need the recognition though that I am not fully to blame for what has happened.

When I was younger I did only wish to be with one person. I thought that Amnon was that person. Its obvious now that I was wrong about that. But nevertheless I gave myself to him. He was my first. I cannot say that I had a negative experience in loosing my virginity either. It was my decision and nothing went wrong. It was only later that things started to get weird. Let's say I got to the point where sex was no longer pleasurable to me at all. It was something to please him and to get him the hell away from me. If I did the slightest thing wrong he would yell at me and hit me. If I did not want to do something, he would make me cry until I agreed. In the end of the relationship, I just did what I could to get him off of me as quickly and painlessly as possible. It seemed like a chore and I simply did not see any pleasure in it, but I dreaded it instead.

Then I broke up with him, but that did not go away. I actually slept with someone else before I broke up with him. A friend of mine was sleeping with her guy and left me alone in the house with a few others. One in particular, I'll call him Shechem, was interested in me. I had been out drinking with my friend and I was drunk and tired. Well I started messing around with Shechem and he wanted to have sex. I said no. He tryed to persuade me. I said I would do whatever else, but I would not have sex with him. He would not let it go. I ran out one time, but then I went back. I do not know how many times I said no to him. Then he went down on me. I layed my head back. I was exhausted. Before I knew it he was having sex with me. I did not stop him. I was too tired. I thought, 'Whatever, its already happening anyway. I'll just let him finish.' So I did not resist.

I would like to say that is the end of my story in that area, but there is more. I'll finish some other time.

(link to art)

Temple of the Holy Spirit

Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take Christ's members and make them the members of a prostitute? Of course not! [Or] do you not know that anyone who joins himself to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For "the two," it says, "will become one flesh." But whoever is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with him. Avoid immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the immoral person sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been purchased at a price. Therefore glorify God in your body.
-1Corinthians 3:15-20