My head is heavy

My head is heavy. I have things I want to do, but not the energy to move. Several things that move around in my head of what I would want to do. I want to paint a woman with dark brown hair. I see the highlights on her face in my head. I see the color of paints and think of the mixtures to create the colors. I see the finished product and at the same time the original outline. Why I see this woman. I have no idea. I also have no idea of why I want to paint her. I also hear the piano. I can think of pieces I want to work on and know that my hands need to relearn them. The notes still make sense in my head, but it is my fingers that are not up to speed with my brain. I have a fear of loosing those notes all together and so want to play. I also greatly enjoy playing. Hearing the song flow exactly as you expect it to in your head. It brings you to a different place that is more peaceful, because music is the only thing you are concentrating on. Music is quite different when your whole body is into the action of creating it. I'm thinking of all these things, but now I am sitting on the couch thinking of how my head hurts and the bed sounds so good right now. The only thing that keeps me from walking those extra steps is the warmth of Adam's body against me on the couch. My head is so heavy and my brain hurts to function. I hate my sinuses.

Comfort

There is such a burst of rain that you know that it will only be temporary. At least that is what I've learned. It starts out in a rush and it is very calming, especially sitting here on my own on a Saturday morning. The only stress is that I know one of our car windows is stuck down and that I've been watching a movie on TV and the satellite was knocked out.

I rarely have mornings where I am the first person awake. Adam always rises before me. I would say that it is pleasant, but no, my place isn't the most comfortable. Not in the sense that it drags on me or anything emotional bothers me. I mean that I can feel the wood under the cushion of the couch and this is one of the most uncomfortable things I've sat on.

I was watching a movie and was paying more attention to the old house they were in rather than the plot, having seen it several times. It was an old southern house, white, with a wrap around porch. It reminded me of my grandmothers house. Talk about ultimate comfort. The walls, the layout, the furniture and the smell all bring comfort in an older house like that one. Unfortunately my grandmother died years ago and the house is also gone to other owners. Still it is very much something I remember as very comfortable place, regardless of when the heat got to you because there wasn't the best air conditioning. That I guess is more emotional comfort, but right now I wish I was sitting there in the morning by myself rather than here. I'm sure that will change once Adam wake's up. Then we can leave and go on with the day, then the house won't matter.

The rain stopped and the satellite is working again. It happens so quickly.

I am very happy

My life has been wearing on me recently. I have been happy for the most part, but honestly at the first of this week I did not think that I would make it through my job to Friday. I have to admit at one point I felt like cussing out my boss, at another I felt myself sinking into the chair listening to Catholic Radio station for the first half and Rush for the second. Not really listening, but it kind of drowns out everyone else in the office where I can listen to the phone.

Does anyone else get annoyed when people talk to much it distracts you? I have a sells job and there are people around just talking politics and about the latest thing on entertainment tonight, or whatever it is they watch. Me, I just want to sell. Is that so crazey? So I roll my eyes when I hear what people talk about and hope that I can get by okay. Once I hear my name I just give short answers or put up my finger to show I am on the phone. Maybe it is not the best way to build relations in the office, but honestly by the end I didn't seem to care. The words that kept going through my head is, "this is temporary, this is temporary." But that can only get through the day, and getting up in the morning is that much harder, especially when it is at the first of the week.

Today I just found myself to be the most senior person in my office, under my boss, who didn't come down physically to my office till after I started. There was just one other person over me and they left today. That person didn't like me, talked bad about me behind my back and was nice to my face. I didn't even notice they left, and they weren't very secretive about it. I guess some things bother me, but for the most part I was extremely happy that they were gone. Everything just seemed much brighter at the end of the day, and it wasn't for once just because of the weekend. I honestly am happy for Monday even.

This is a major change. I was starting to think that there was something else completely wrong with my life. I felt like I was in this holding pattern in my life that kept me anxious about everything. Do I change? What do I change? I am happy with most and I see a positive light at the end of the tunnel, but right now how can things get better? Maybe I was just being impatient. I felt in a constant uncomfortable holding pattern. This morning it was more important for me to get a coffee from Starbucks than to make it to the office on time for a conference call from one of the main guys in the company. Adam was telling me that he would be fired if he was that late. The only thing that made me care was that I would be leaving because they would be kicking me out rather than me leaving on my own terms.

But I hope that I will continue to be happy for now. I do have stress of wanting a baby too, but as long as I can stand my job then I can make it through life day by day. Job is not your life, but it sure takes up a good chunk of it. The holding pattern will be less painful in waiting to be a mother.

Eve's New Start

Its never too late to pick up on something that you started. I'm not going to bother to read to see where I left off. This will just be a new start. One change will be the use of my own art. It seems more appropriate and I have plenty to put in from my collection.

I think my original intent in picking Eve as my name is because of her figure in true love with Adam. Eve was truly made for Adam, and there is no better love story there. I see that in the love for my husband. He is the true love of my life. I like to think that I was taken from him and Eve was from Adam. Beyond that, I see as Eve as the natural stature of a woman. She was the first to sin. She was the first to be a mother. She was the first to accept her position in life and women appear to have problems accepting their position since then. Obviously, I am not much of a feminist.

Maybe I will get to those issues later. I am just reintroducing myself at this point.