God's Love

Why hold on to the pain of the past? My memories have haunted me. When those memories came back to thier fullest this blog was where I wrote and relived them. It felt right to put those instances, those scenes into writing. But I have not felt compelled to post for some time now. Last night I was crying to Adam. It wasn't because I felt fear or pain, but instead it was because of how happy I am. I've realized recently how miraculously my life has changed. Adam told me the verse I put up earlier:

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

I knew it was true. It has been very true in my life. What happened? I apologized for once. For the drugs, for the lies, for the horrible things that I had done. I asked for forgiveness. Then I prayed for help. I remember walking by myself and thinking I cannot be alone. It is not my calling to be in a convent and it was not right how I was living my life at that time. I needed someone. I needed Adam. He was introduced to me the very next day. But that is not all. My life has been completely transformed. There is no reason why I cannot continue this blog simply because I have no feelings of pain to post. This blog is also a representation of my faith. I also chose Eve to tell of my love for Adam. We both have our faults, but he has truly helped bring me closer to our Father. For these reasons, I have much more to tell. That will come later. Now I need to sleep.

May God bless you all and the Holy Spirit keep you strong.

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Our Father gives good gifts

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

-Matthew 7:7-11

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Eve's Constant Worries

I have not been myself as of recently. Well, I think that statement is true. In a sense though, I am not sure what normal is. Maybe a better way of putting it is that my life has been rather crazy for years now and now that things in my life are quite normal, I don't know how to react to them. I overreact to everything. I think things through enough to drive someone crazy. It is usually that I am planning through my head how Adam reacts to things. Have I mentioned this before? If I have I apologize having you read it again.

To continue on, I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed that I was in a cabin or some vacation spot and I was there with both Adam and Amnon. Most of the time I spent laying around with Adam, but every once and awhile Amnon came in and started to talk to me. Nothing really offensive though. Just something about going out and having a beer or asking something about the cabin. Adam seemed to keep getting offended every time that I would talk to him. One time Amnon came in and he mentioned something about my weight. This really pissed Adam off and I got Amnon out of the room so that Adam wouldn't attack him. I was protecting Amnon. I looked up at him and I saw this distant look in his eyes. He didn't look like he was really there. I associate that look with insanity. I told him to go somewhere, anything to get him out of the cabin, and I went back into the room with Adam. The last I remember of the dream was that Adam was mad at me. He was packing stuff up and he was mad that I protected him. I tried to tell him that I loved him and I didn't understand my own reactions, but it didn't seem to work.

The dream shows my own fears. Amnon is long gone and I don't have to worry about him really coming around me at all, but there is part of our relationship that lingers. Its that part that I fear will effect my relationship with Adam. It's simply my reactions. I would do too much for Amnon so as to try and make him happy. I was under the delusion that it was me that made things bad and if I worked hard enough at the relationship that he would be nice to me. I tried to be the perfect girlfriend. This meant that I would think into every single reaction that he had to see when my safety might be in jeopardy. I still do that with Adam. The difference is that Adam is not an insane prick. So this getting me nowhere except for being extremely stressed for no real reason. Adam is meant for Eve there should be no question there, but there is always something in my mind about what if I do something that will make him not love me anymore.? What if it is something that I didn't put any thought into? What if it is one of my natural reactions?

Its insane, yes. Sometimes I feel kind of insane myself for not having much control of it. I just pray that one day this will go way. May God take away my worries, because there is no reason for them to be there.

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Eve's Marriage

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work; If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

-Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

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Eve's Insanity

Have you ever wanted to kill yourself? I can't say that I have. I've heard that it is horrible to even contemplate suicide. I have thought about it, but it was rather depressing to think that there would be no more life. It wasn't like I was actually thinking about actually doing it. It was more like, "What would happen if I killed myself?" When I thought about it, suicide seemed really stupid. Suicide also seemed incredibly selfish. At that time I was probably around 13 years old. I knew that my family would miss me. I knew that it would hurt people that I cared deeply for. So I never understood why there are those that would do such a thing. In fact the contemplation of suicide made me feel better as strange as that might seem.

When I was about 18 or 19 I was sure that I would never wish to kill myself, but life seemed too much for me at that time. I wanted to go insane instead. That probably wasn't a much better idea, but life was rather overwhelming for me at that point. I felt alone and insanity seemed more pleasant than reality. If I was insane maybe I wouldn't at least feel like my life was so horrible. It wasn't the best feeling. My family was no where near me. They also had no idea of the problems I was facing. Plus, I had wasted much of their money on drugs. I felt like I was more of a burden on them than anything else. I was failing school, I was being abused by my boyfriend and I was addicted to some nasty substance called crank. I could say that I was at my all time low. Well, it was at least one of them.

I remember laying in my crappy bed at night by myself. I had taken a bunch of LSD. I don't know how much now, not really important. I was looking up at the ceiling. Everything around me seemed to be going crazy. Everything was in motion when it should of been staying still. I felt like I was insane. I felt my mind was gone and there was some sort of satisfaction in that. What worries are there for the insane. They don't have the brain to think of them. I stayed there motionless mostly listening to my breathing as I felt my brain loosing its grip. It was like my conscious self was escaping me into nothingness, and I made no effort to cling to it.

It is obvious that I didn't go insane. As they say, all good things must come to an end. This was no exception. I prayed to God to keep me there. To not let myself come back to this harsh reality that I was living in. I wanted peace. Strange that I thought insanity would be peace, but you could say that the crank had already loosened a few screws in my head to where I wasn't quite myself on a normal day. Yes, I eventually closed my eyes to go to sleep. I've done LSD on several occasions. I don't remember how many, but every time I go to sleep I remember the same thing. I would listen to my heart beat. It would feel like it was in my ears. Sometimes I would think that it would stop it was so irregular. It would cease for a moment and I would feel my body freeze, but then a moment later it would keep on going. I would drift off to sleep the nonsense dreams of a drug addict.

In the morning I realized that it was ridiculous to think that I would loose my mind in such a way. I don't remember exactly what I did that day. I was probably with Amnon and his friends at some point, went to work and went to class. I remember life went on in a haze at that point. As sad as it may seem, I craved those moments of insanity.

Would you say I was suicidal? I don't know what to call it now other than depressed. Right now, I'm sitting at home wrapped in a blanket with a head cold. Not the best day ever, but I enjoy being in position right now much more than at that point in my past. I have the feeling of love and security. I never had that back then. I thank God now that I didn't loose my mind, then I couldn't enjoy my time now with Adam. I probably would have never truly found peace.

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Morning Prayer

O my God!
I offer Thee all my actions of this day
for the intentions and for the glory
of the Sacred Heart of Jesus.
I desire to sanctify every beat of my heart,
my every thought,
my simplest works,
by uniting them to His infinite merits;
and I wish to make reparation for my sins
by casting them into the furnace of His merciful love.
O my God,
I ask of Thee for myself and for those dear to me
the grace to fulfill perfectly Thy holy will,
to accept, for love of Thee,
the joys and sorrows of this passing life,
so that we may one day be united together
in Heaven for all eternity.
Amen.

by SAINT THERESE DE LISIEUX

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Eve Reminiscing

Did he tell me that he was going to kill me? I don't remember right off hand. I do remember that he didn't think that I was his girlfriend. He didn't think that I was who I claimed I was. I pleaded with him at first that I was Eve, the same one that he loved. I believe that he said that I was some kind of demon and that I had killed one of his friends earlier that day. His friend was reincarnated into a spider I happened to kill in the car earlier. He told me that I had killed him when he was trying to relay a message to him. He threw me against the bed with one hand clenching my neck, and in the other was a knife. His folding knife that he carried regularly was open against my throat. I looked into his eyes and all I saw was insanity. Yes, he did tell me that he was going to kill me, and I did believe that I was going to die. He was telling me about how easy it would be to slit my throat. I didn't cry hysterically though. I didn't try to throw him off. I was numb. Completely numb. Though I think I apologized for killing 'his friend' earlier. I thought maybe it would calm him down. Maybe he wouldn't see me as his enemy anymore.

That night Amnon had taken several pills and drank heavily. I was alone in the house with him, and I knew that he was not in his right mind. For some reason though, I felt that I shouldn't tell anyone. I had a feeling that I needed to protect him. It wasn't the first time that he had done that. It wasn't the first time that my life was threatened, but that is one instance that plays through my head often. Maybe because I really thought I was going to die. I thought I was going to die and the reasoning behind it was because I killed a spider.

The next morning all was forgotten. I asked Amnon if he remembered the night before. He responded with humor when I mentioned the story about the spider. He didn't remember and he didn't think that it was real. It was like the whole abuse that was happening to me was part of my own imagination. Did anyone else see it? I told others that I thought he was mental, but they didn't believe me. Maybe I should have told them the story. I think I wanted it to be my own imagination though. I enjoyed Amnon's company most of the time. He was entertaining and I had this motherly feeling of needing to take care of him. If I didn't say anything about what happened maybe it wouldn't be true. Maybe it was only my imagination.

I think it took someone else actually telling me that he was abusive for me to realize that he was. Does that sound strange? It was really only when he was doing drugs and drinking that he acted that way, or if he was really depressed. I think I did my share of rationalization in that area. He was nice to me if he was in his right mind, so maybe it isn't really his fault?

I can say that now I think that is crap. He was abusive and he happened to also be insane. It was an added bonus of there being no real logic to his abuse. I was having my life threatened over stuff I knew was not real. I was being abused for a psycho's paranoid delusions about demons and insects. Even as I'm writing this I can't help but chuckle. Sick humor, but it is undeniable that it is there. It could seem also disturbing that such an instance could make someone laugh having lived through it. My memory is kind of distorted. I watched it happen to me. It didn't seem real, and it still doesn't seem completely real. I would much rather be able to look back at it and laugh at this. Who wants to remember such events anyway. You want to have fond memories of your past come to mind. I have had a great lack of those come to mind recently. Right now I just want to look back and laugh, or look back and have it be a vague picture in my mind. Now I'll live with this.

God help me through this as I remember it once again.

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Parables

The disciples approached him and said, "Why do you speak to them in parables?" He said to them in reply, "Because knowledge of the mysteries of the kongdom of heaven has been granted to you, but to them it has not been granted. To anyone who has, more will be given and he will grow rich; from anyone who has not. even what has will be taken away. This is why I speak to them in parables, because 'they look but do not see and hear but do not listen or understand'.
-Matthew 13:10-13

Eve's dreams

It seems that my subconscience is worried about Adam getting mad at me. I've had two nights in a row that I did drugs in my dream and at the end of the dream I tell Adam. He does not react well to me telling him. The first one he just left. The second one, he just seemed disappointed.

The night before last I dreamed that I was meeting Adam's friends. They forced coke under my nose (not realistic) and I snorted it. Adam saw me do it and ran out. Why was he not mad at his friends? Who knows. Its what my head makes up. His friends all seemed like tv characters and a girl in the dream shoved it at my nose. My nose was covered with coke. What sucked the most in the dream was seeing others around me doing it and having the craving for more. I was worried about Adam, but I wanted more. By the end of the dream I was shoving my face in a pillow trying to ignore the other people in the room doing coke.

Tonight I had a dream that I was in my home town. This was where I had most of my drug problems. I was visiting people I use to know. Now that I'm awake, I realize they were people my head made up. There was a guy and a girl. The guy in the dream was who I was friends with more. We went to some person's house. There were alot of people standing around smoking weed. I thought, 'What the hell, I'll smoke.' So I smoked. I was stoned and the girl with me was pissing me off. I had a realization while I was stoned that these people sucked and I left. The only problem was that I had no car and I could not find my shoes. So I walked out of the house, in only socks, and started walking through the neighborhood. I knew that my parents' house was not too far off (in reality they do not live thier anymore). The dream swtiched to where I was walking around in the place I live at now. I was constantly avoiding broken glass on the ground and wishing that I had known where my shoes were and where my car was. Then Adam pulled up. He was wondering why I was walking around in just my socks. I started off telling him the story, but I did not get past telling him that I was stoned. He did not want to hear anymore. I was trying to tell him it was like the crazey stuff that usually happened in my hometown, but he did not want to listen. That was the end of the dream.

I think it is a good sign that I am dreaming about the negative effects of using drugs. For instance, making Adam mad. Also possibly wandering around with no shoes avoiding broken glass. I think that you have to worry if you have those dreams where there's cocaine everywhere and you are having a party with your friends and there are no worries and all of that crap. So, I'm not really too worried. I'm just wondering what will happen in my dream tonight. Will I be wondering around with Amnon smoking meth and run into Adam then have him leave me again in the dream. Maybe he'll kick Amnon's ass in the dream. Meth is one substance I do not want to dream about though. Especially with Amnon.

That is it for now.
God bless and good day.

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Rape of the temple

There has been something bothering me recently. I worry about my past sexual experiences. I think about what I have done and I cannot help but to feel guilty. I have been told that when I confess my sins that God will forgive me. I have had problems forgiving myself. Why could I not have thought in the past of my body as a temple of christ. Something sacred. I can say that I have a realization of the need to be with only one person now. I need the recognition though that I am not fully to blame for what has happened.

When I was younger I did only wish to be with one person. I thought that Amnon was that person. Its obvious now that I was wrong about that. But nevertheless I gave myself to him. He was my first. I cannot say that I had a negative experience in loosing my virginity either. It was my decision and nothing went wrong. It was only later that things started to get weird. Let's say I got to the point where sex was no longer pleasurable to me at all. It was something to please him and to get him the hell away from me. If I did the slightest thing wrong he would yell at me and hit me. If I did not want to do something, he would make me cry until I agreed. In the end of the relationship, I just did what I could to get him off of me as quickly and painlessly as possible. It seemed like a chore and I simply did not see any pleasure in it, but I dreaded it instead.

Then I broke up with him, but that did not go away. I actually slept with someone else before I broke up with him. A friend of mine was sleeping with her guy and left me alone in the house with a few others. One in particular, I'll call him Shechem, was interested in me. I had been out drinking with my friend and I was drunk and tired. Well I started messing around with Shechem and he wanted to have sex. I said no. He tryed to persuade me. I said I would do whatever else, but I would not have sex with him. He would not let it go. I ran out one time, but then I went back. I do not know how many times I said no to him. Then he went down on me. I layed my head back. I was exhausted. Before I knew it he was having sex with me. I did not stop him. I was too tired. I thought, 'Whatever, its already happening anyway. I'll just let him finish.' So I did not resist.

I would like to say that is the end of my story in that area, but there is more. I'll finish some other time.

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Temple of the Holy Spirit

Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take Christ's members and make them the members of a prostitute? Of course not! [Or] do you not know that anyone who joins himself to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For "the two," it says, "will become one flesh." But whoever is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with him. Avoid immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the immoral person sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been purchased at a price. Therefore glorify God in your body.
-1Corinthians 3:15-20

Eve's tragic flaw

Does everyone have a deadly sin, like the hero's tragic flaw? The Achilles Heal? A story or hero's myth is the imitation of a person's struggle through life. Sort of. It is far fetched to think everyone gets a special weapon or for that matter simply a group of loyal friends. I think that has more to do with symbolism or something like that. The one trait of the hero that is realistic to me is the tragic flaw.

Eve definitely had her tragic flaw. She took the apple off the tree of knowledge. She went against God's command for her own gain. The flaw of the human race is trying to be gods. An attempt at the immortality and knowledge of God and I caused us to loose Eden. I think that can relate to what I consider to be my greatest flaw. I have had a great weakness for substances. I do not think there is one in particular, but anything that would take me away from reality. This causes great gaps in my memory. I struggle to remember all the substances that I have abused.

I think this can compare to that of the Original Sin in that I had not really accepted my own mortality. I had never really thought of such things killing me. Stupid as it may seem. I think you could find that flaw in many drug addicts. This reminds me of the person who goes up to a smoker and tells them that smoking will kill you. I was also a smoker and I would usually respond sarcastically. Everyone knows that smoking kills you. But is there that real connection of death to the smoker? Maybe there is for other smokers, but when I look back at my addictions the connection was never real to me.

This sin of mine caused many problems and it still creates discussion in my current relation with Adam. Would I put a substance over him? I would hate to think I would do something so selfish. I do love him. But that is something I have done to people in my past. I am off of all drugs now, but this has only been for a few months. I have a history of drug abuse that has lasted on and off for around eight years. I just have to trust myself and hope that Adam will trust me as well. I would hate for that to be what kills me. For the tragic hero, it is that flaw that kills him. Right now I do not see a possibility of me going back to that life. Still, I pray that drugs are not my Achilles Heal. I pray that this is one sin that I can keep in my past.

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Sin

Happy the sinner whose fault is removed,
whose sin is forgiven.
Happy those whom the Lord imputes no guilt,
in whose spirit is no deceit.
As long as I kept silent, my bones wasted away;
I groaned all the day.
For day and night your hand was heavy upon me;
my strength withered as in dry summer heat.
Then I declared my sin to you;
my guilt I did not hide.
I said, "I confess my faults to the Lord,"
and you took away the guilt of my sin.
- Psalms 32:1-5

Love of Adam and Eve

Adam still asks me if I believe in love at first sight. I look at him whenever he asks me and think of when we first met. He has had to remind me several times of what happened exactly since my memory is not the best. I do remember him as being interesting and funny; I did not want to leave him. He still has that effect on me. I hate the idea of not being in the same place as him. That night when I first met him, I was reluctant to leave the parking lot. I did though.

I still do not remember being in love. When I think of it, I cannot remember when I did fall in love with him. I just knew that I did. Maybe it is that reluctance to leave a person that is love. I have to admit that I have not had that before. With Amnon I would be happy to have time apart from him. Even early on in the relationship I was still quite a loner. I did not have that reluctant feeling whenever we had to separate. Is that love?

That is the only feeling that I can think of that I felt that first night I met Adam. I do not remember the conversation. I am sure he does. I remember that he was funny and interesting. It is hard for anyone to keep my interest for long. So I was impressed with him. Somehow we have ended up where we are now.

Adam says that he fell in love with me whenever he first saw my smile. Maybe I fell in love with him when we first met, but love is hard to recognize in the beginning. I do not see it as something learned. I see that there is a connection between the two of us that I have felt with no other. Is that a recognition of love at first sight? Maybe.
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Love

Set me as a seal on your heart, as a seal on your arm;
For stern as death is love,
relentless as the nether world is devotion;
its slames are a blazing fire.
Deep waters cannot quench love,
nor floods sweep it away.
Were one to offer all he owns to purchase love,
he would be roundly mocked.
- Songs of Songs 8:6-7

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Amnon

Is it in woman's nature to take care of others? I know that I've had that view. It took great strength on my part to pay more attention to myself and to come to the conclusion that I was not capable of caring for another until I could care for myself. My greatest fault was trying to do too much for another and failing miserably time and time again.

I was with one man (more of a boy) for several years, I'll call him Amnon. When I first noticed Amnon he was incredibly intelligent and I thought he was also imaginative. He was a couple of years younger than me, though I really could not tell at the time. He did look a little younger, but he did not act it.

I was young and did not think much of him. He was entertaining enough and good looking enough to keep my interest and honestly that was all I wanted. I was very involved with school and rarely saw him. I think I was just happy to have someone there. If for nothing else but to say that I had a boyfriend. What I am trying to get through is that I did not fall in love with him. He seemed to have a different view of the relationship. Within a couple of weeks of seeing him, Amnon was telling me that he loved me. He said that I was all that he wanted. He seemed sincere. Though I had given him my honest opinion on the subject at the time. I told him that he should not say such things because he does not know what love is. How could either of us really know what it is? I didn't think that I could possibly love him. But I decided to examine it nonetheless.

The first of our relationship was rather strange. Almost a week after he told me that he loved me, all of his friends decided to ditch him at once. These were guys that he had been hanging out with since elementary school (and by the way, at this time I was a senior and he was a freshman). I felt sorry for him, and I noticed this made him incredibly depressed. This was also the first time I noticed that he was not all together stable. He made it clear to me that I was the only one that he had, and that he did not know what he would do without me. I thought he would probably kill himself or something. I had started to somewhat care for him, so I did not want such a thing hanging over my head as him killing himself. From that point on, I started to spend whatever time I was not working on school stuff with him. As I stated earlier, he was entertaining enough, and he seemed happy that he did not loose me. I think I attempted to break off at one point, but then he started crying. I am a sucker in that way.

The next event that drove us closer together was that whenever I graduated from high school, one of my friends died in a car accident. That was the first time I had dealt with death of a friend. He was there for me through that ordeal. Then again within a month of that one of his close friends died. It was one of his friends that did not ditch him. Well, you can probably see how that drove us closer together.

Through all of this I had come to the conclusion that I fell in love with him. How else could I care for someone so much without it being love? Though I think that the first of our relationship shows how it was incredibly messed up. Majority of the time I was caring for him. At one point I did not break up with him because I thought he would kill himself. I did not want that to happen. I started to acting like a care taker to Amnon. I know now that I mistaken that feeling of caring for someone under you for love. At least the love was not equal.

Maybe I did feel that it was part of my nature to care for another like I did Amnon, but it really was not my place. It is a woman's place to care for your family and your children, not to care for a sick boy that is trying to make you feel guilty for leaving him.

I will be suprised if anyone makes it through this post.

God bless.

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Eve

Eve has several different roles to play. The most important being the mother to all. She was the one who bore the apple of knowledge to the rest of the human race. She bore the children who started the human race; she gave us our sin and our knowledge.

Eve also plays the role as wife to Adam. Eve is the only person who did not have to choose her mate. More of, she did not have any doubt of Adam being her soulmate and the only one for her. What a blessing that is. I wish I had that blessing.

"This one, at last, is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; This one shall be called 'woman,' for out of 'her man' this one has been taken."

Eve popped into my head whenever I thought of starting this because of her roles. She is the ultimate image of woman. She is everyone's mother and she was the first to bear the burdens of being a woman. I also envy her in the one point that I mentioned earlier. The point being that she knew who she was to be with.

I know who my Adam is now, but I did not know this till having to endure years of being with the wrong men. The wrong men sent me through years of depression and eventually into drug abuse and having to endure other types of abuse along the way. I did not know any better. I thought that one of them was it for me, but he was not Adam. Now that I have Adam here with me, there is part of me that wishes I had never given any of myself to other men. I wish that I had kept myself intact and had faith that he would show up and that I was not destined to die an old hag.

It did not happen that way. So I will write about it here. I will state the obvious, this is my introduction. Past this point I plan to write whatever may come to mind about this time period of my past. Comment if you wish to, I will be happy to read them. I just need to heal from my past.

God bless and goodnight.

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