Have you ever wanted to kill yourself? I can't say that I have. I've heard that it is horrible to even contemplate suicide. I have thought about it, but it was rather depressing to think that there would be no more life. It wasn't like I was actually thinking about actually doing it. It was more like, "What would happen if I killed myself?" When I thought about it, suicide seemed really stupid. Suicide also seemed incredibly selfish. At that time I was probably around 13 years old. I knew that my family would miss me. I knew that it would hurt people that I cared deeply for. So I never understood why there are those that would do such a thing. In fact the contemplation of suicide made me feel better as strange as that might seem.
When I was about 18 or 19 I was sure that I would never wish to kill myself, but life seemed too much for me at that time. I wanted to go insane instead. That probably wasn't a much better idea, but life was rather overwhelming for me at that point. I felt alone and insanity seemed more pleasant than reality. If I was insane maybe I wouldn't at least feel like my life was so horrible. It wasn't the best feeling. My family was no where near me. They also had no idea of the problems I was facing. Plus, I had wasted much of their money on drugs. I felt like I was more of a burden on them than anything else. I was failing school, I was being abused by my boyfriend and I was addicted to some nasty substance called crank. I could say that I was at my all time low. Well, it was at least one of them.
I remember laying in my crappy bed at night by myself. I had taken a bunch of LSD. I don't know how much now, not really important. I was looking up at the ceiling. Everything around me seemed to be going crazy. Everything was in motion when it should of been staying still. I felt like I was insane. I felt my mind was gone and there was some sort of satisfaction in that. What worries are there for the insane. They don't have the brain to think of them. I stayed there motionless mostly listening to my breathing as I felt my brain loosing its grip. It was like my conscious self was escaping me into nothingness, and I made no effort to cling to it.
It is obvious that I didn't go insane. As they say, all good things must come to an end. This was no exception. I prayed to God to keep me there. To not let myself come back to this harsh reality that I was living in. I wanted peace. Strange that I thought insanity would be peace, but you could say that the crank had already loosened a few screws in my head to where I wasn't quite myself on a normal day. Yes, I eventually closed my eyes to go to sleep. I've done LSD on several occasions. I don't remember how many, but every time I go to sleep I remember the same thing. I would listen to my heart beat. It would feel like it was in my ears. Sometimes I would think that it would stop it was so irregular. It would cease for a moment and I would feel my body freeze, but then a moment later it would keep on going. I would drift off to sleep the nonsense dreams of a drug addict.
In the morning I realized that it was ridiculous to think that I would loose my mind in such a way. I don't remember exactly what I did that day. I was probably with
Amnon and his friends at some point, went to work and went to class. I remember life went on in a haze at that point. As sad as it may seem, I craved those moments of insanity.
Would you say I was suicidal? I don't know what to call it now other than depressed. Right now, I'm sitting at home wrapped in a blanket with a head cold. Not the best day ever, but I enjoy being in position right now much more than at that point in my past. I have the feeling of love and security. I never had that back then. I thank God now that I didn't loose my mind, then I couldn't enjoy my time now with Adam. I probably would have never truly found peace.
(link to art)
