I have not been myself as of recently. Well, I think that statement is true. In a sense though, I am not sure what normal is. Maybe a better way of putting it is that my life has been rather crazy for years now and now that things in my life are quite normal, I don't know how to react to them. I overreact to everything. I think things through enough to drive someone crazy. It is usually that I am planning through my head how Adam reacts to things. Have I mentioned this before? If I have I apologize having you read it again.To continue on, I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed that I was in a cabin or some vacation spot and I was there with both Adam and Amnon. Most of the time I spent laying around with Adam, but every once and awhile Amnon came in and started to talk to me. Nothing really offensive though. Just something about going out and having a beer or asking something about the cabin. Adam seemed to keep getting offended every time that I would talk to him. One time Amnon came in and he mentioned something about my weight. This really pissed Adam off and I got Amnon out of the room so that Adam wouldn't attack him. I was protecting Amnon. I looked up at him and I saw this distant look in his eyes. He didn't look like he was really there. I associate that look with insanity. I told him to go somewhere, anything to get him out of the cabin, and I went back into the room with Adam. The last I remember of the dream was that Adam was mad at me. He was packing stuff up and he was mad that I protected him. I tried to tell him that I loved him and I didn't understand my own reactions, but it didn't seem to work.
The dream shows my own fears. Amnon is long gone and I don't have to worry about him really coming around me at all, but there is part of our relationship that lingers. Its that part that I fear will effect my relationship with Adam. It's simply my reactions. I would do too much for Amnon so as to try and make him happy. I was under the delusion that it was me that made things bad and if I worked hard enough at the relationship that he would be nice to me. I tried to be the perfect girlfriend. This meant that I would think into every single reaction that he had to see when my safety might be in jeopardy. I still do that with Adam. The difference is that Adam is not an insane prick. So this getting me nowhere except for being extremely stressed for no real reason. Adam is meant for Eve there should be no question there, but there is always something in my mind about what if I do something that will make him not love me anymore.? What if it is something that I didn't put any thought into? What if it is one of my natural reactions?
Its insane, yes. Sometimes I feel kind of insane myself for not having much control of it. I just pray that one day this will go way. May God take away my worries, because there is no reason for them to be there.
(link to art)
