Eve's tragic flaw

Does everyone have a deadly sin, like the hero's tragic flaw? The Achilles Heal? A story or hero's myth is the imitation of a person's struggle through life. Sort of. It is far fetched to think everyone gets a special weapon or for that matter simply a group of loyal friends. I think that has more to do with symbolism or something like that. The one trait of the hero that is realistic to me is the tragic flaw.

Eve definitely had her tragic flaw. She took the apple off the tree of knowledge. She went against God's command for her own gain. The flaw of the human race is trying to be gods. An attempt at the immortality and knowledge of God and I caused us to loose Eden. I think that can relate to what I consider to be my greatest flaw. I have had a great weakness for substances. I do not think there is one in particular, but anything that would take me away from reality. This causes great gaps in my memory. I struggle to remember all the substances that I have abused.

I think this can compare to that of the Original Sin in that I had not really accepted my own mortality. I had never really thought of such things killing me. Stupid as it may seem. I think you could find that flaw in many drug addicts. This reminds me of the person who goes up to a smoker and tells them that smoking will kill you. I was also a smoker and I would usually respond sarcastically. Everyone knows that smoking kills you. But is there that real connection of death to the smoker? Maybe there is for other smokers, but when I look back at my addictions the connection was never real to me.

This sin of mine caused many problems and it still creates discussion in my current relation with Adam. Would I put a substance over him? I would hate to think I would do something so selfish. I do love him. But that is something I have done to people in my past. I am off of all drugs now, but this has only been for a few months. I have a history of drug abuse that has lasted on and off for around eight years. I just have to trust myself and hope that Adam will trust me as well. I would hate for that to be what kills me. For the tragic hero, it is that flaw that kills him. Right now I do not see a possibility of me going back to that life. Still, I pray that drugs are not my Achilles Heal. I pray that this is one sin that I can keep in my past.

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Sin

Happy the sinner whose fault is removed,
whose sin is forgiven.
Happy those whom the Lord imputes no guilt,
in whose spirit is no deceit.
As long as I kept silent, my bones wasted away;
I groaned all the day.
For day and night your hand was heavy upon me;
my strength withered as in dry summer heat.
Then I declared my sin to you;
my guilt I did not hide.
I said, "I confess my faults to the Lord,"
and you took away the guilt of my sin.
- Psalms 32:1-5

Love of Adam and Eve

Adam still asks me if I believe in love at first sight. I look at him whenever he asks me and think of when we first met. He has had to remind me several times of what happened exactly since my memory is not the best. I do remember him as being interesting and funny; I did not want to leave him. He still has that effect on me. I hate the idea of not being in the same place as him. That night when I first met him, I was reluctant to leave the parking lot. I did though.

I still do not remember being in love. When I think of it, I cannot remember when I did fall in love with him. I just knew that I did. Maybe it is that reluctance to leave a person that is love. I have to admit that I have not had that before. With Amnon I would be happy to have time apart from him. Even early on in the relationship I was still quite a loner. I did not have that reluctant feeling whenever we had to separate. Is that love?

That is the only feeling that I can think of that I felt that first night I met Adam. I do not remember the conversation. I am sure he does. I remember that he was funny and interesting. It is hard for anyone to keep my interest for long. So I was impressed with him. Somehow we have ended up where we are now.

Adam says that he fell in love with me whenever he first saw my smile. Maybe I fell in love with him when we first met, but love is hard to recognize in the beginning. I do not see it as something learned. I see that there is a connection between the two of us that I have felt with no other. Is that a recognition of love at first sight? Maybe.
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Love

Set me as a seal on your heart, as a seal on your arm;
For stern as death is love,
relentless as the nether world is devotion;
its slames are a blazing fire.
Deep waters cannot quench love,
nor floods sweep it away.
Were one to offer all he owns to purchase love,
he would be roundly mocked.
- Songs of Songs 8:6-7

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Amnon

Is it in woman's nature to take care of others? I know that I've had that view. It took great strength on my part to pay more attention to myself and to come to the conclusion that I was not capable of caring for another until I could care for myself. My greatest fault was trying to do too much for another and failing miserably time and time again.

I was with one man (more of a boy) for several years, I'll call him Amnon. When I first noticed Amnon he was incredibly intelligent and I thought he was also imaginative. He was a couple of years younger than me, though I really could not tell at the time. He did look a little younger, but he did not act it.

I was young and did not think much of him. He was entertaining enough and good looking enough to keep my interest and honestly that was all I wanted. I was very involved with school and rarely saw him. I think I was just happy to have someone there. If for nothing else but to say that I had a boyfriend. What I am trying to get through is that I did not fall in love with him. He seemed to have a different view of the relationship. Within a couple of weeks of seeing him, Amnon was telling me that he loved me. He said that I was all that he wanted. He seemed sincere. Though I had given him my honest opinion on the subject at the time. I told him that he should not say such things because he does not know what love is. How could either of us really know what it is? I didn't think that I could possibly love him. But I decided to examine it nonetheless.

The first of our relationship was rather strange. Almost a week after he told me that he loved me, all of his friends decided to ditch him at once. These were guys that he had been hanging out with since elementary school (and by the way, at this time I was a senior and he was a freshman). I felt sorry for him, and I noticed this made him incredibly depressed. This was also the first time I noticed that he was not all together stable. He made it clear to me that I was the only one that he had, and that he did not know what he would do without me. I thought he would probably kill himself or something. I had started to somewhat care for him, so I did not want such a thing hanging over my head as him killing himself. From that point on, I started to spend whatever time I was not working on school stuff with him. As I stated earlier, he was entertaining enough, and he seemed happy that he did not loose me. I think I attempted to break off at one point, but then he started crying. I am a sucker in that way.

The next event that drove us closer together was that whenever I graduated from high school, one of my friends died in a car accident. That was the first time I had dealt with death of a friend. He was there for me through that ordeal. Then again within a month of that one of his close friends died. It was one of his friends that did not ditch him. Well, you can probably see how that drove us closer together.

Through all of this I had come to the conclusion that I fell in love with him. How else could I care for someone so much without it being love? Though I think that the first of our relationship shows how it was incredibly messed up. Majority of the time I was caring for him. At one point I did not break up with him because I thought he would kill himself. I did not want that to happen. I started to acting like a care taker to Amnon. I know now that I mistaken that feeling of caring for someone under you for love. At least the love was not equal.

Maybe I did feel that it was part of my nature to care for another like I did Amnon, but it really was not my place. It is a woman's place to care for your family and your children, not to care for a sick boy that is trying to make you feel guilty for leaving him.

I will be suprised if anyone makes it through this post.

God bless.

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Eve

Eve has several different roles to play. The most important being the mother to all. She was the one who bore the apple of knowledge to the rest of the human race. She bore the children who started the human race; she gave us our sin and our knowledge.

Eve also plays the role as wife to Adam. Eve is the only person who did not have to choose her mate. More of, she did not have any doubt of Adam being her soulmate and the only one for her. What a blessing that is. I wish I had that blessing.

"This one, at last, is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; This one shall be called 'woman,' for out of 'her man' this one has been taken."

Eve popped into my head whenever I thought of starting this because of her roles. She is the ultimate image of woman. She is everyone's mother and she was the first to bear the burdens of being a woman. I also envy her in the one point that I mentioned earlier. The point being that she knew who she was to be with.

I know who my Adam is now, but I did not know this till having to endure years of being with the wrong men. The wrong men sent me through years of depression and eventually into drug abuse and having to endure other types of abuse along the way. I did not know any better. I thought that one of them was it for me, but he was not Adam. Now that I have Adam here with me, there is part of me that wishes I had never given any of myself to other men. I wish that I had kept myself intact and had faith that he would show up and that I was not destined to die an old hag.

It did not happen that way. So I will write about it here. I will state the obvious, this is my introduction. Past this point I plan to write whatever may come to mind about this time period of my past. Comment if you wish to, I will be happy to read them. I just need to heal from my past.

God bless and goodnight.

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