Eve Reminiscing

Did he tell me that he was going to kill me? I don't remember right off hand. I do remember that he didn't think that I was his girlfriend. He didn't think that I was who I claimed I was. I pleaded with him at first that I was Eve, the same one that he loved. I believe that he said that I was some kind of demon and that I had killed one of his friends earlier that day. His friend was reincarnated into a spider I happened to kill in the car earlier. He told me that I had killed him when he was trying to relay a message to him. He threw me against the bed with one hand clenching my neck, and in the other was a knife. His folding knife that he carried regularly was open against my throat. I looked into his eyes and all I saw was insanity. Yes, he did tell me that he was going to kill me, and I did believe that I was going to die. He was telling me about how easy it would be to slit my throat. I didn't cry hysterically though. I didn't try to throw him off. I was numb. Completely numb. Though I think I apologized for killing 'his friend' earlier. I thought maybe it would calm him down. Maybe he wouldn't see me as his enemy anymore.

That night Amnon had taken several pills and drank heavily. I was alone in the house with him, and I knew that he was not in his right mind. For some reason though, I felt that I shouldn't tell anyone. I had a feeling that I needed to protect him. It wasn't the first time that he had done that. It wasn't the first time that my life was threatened, but that is one instance that plays through my head often. Maybe because I really thought I was going to die. I thought I was going to die and the reasoning behind it was because I killed a spider.

The next morning all was forgotten. I asked Amnon if he remembered the night before. He responded with humor when I mentioned the story about the spider. He didn't remember and he didn't think that it was real. It was like the whole abuse that was happening to me was part of my own imagination. Did anyone else see it? I told others that I thought he was mental, but they didn't believe me. Maybe I should have told them the story. I think I wanted it to be my own imagination though. I enjoyed Amnon's company most of the time. He was entertaining and I had this motherly feeling of needing to take care of him. If I didn't say anything about what happened maybe it wouldn't be true. Maybe it was only my imagination.

I think it took someone else actually telling me that he was abusive for me to realize that he was. Does that sound strange? It was really only when he was doing drugs and drinking that he acted that way, or if he was really depressed. I think I did my share of rationalization in that area. He was nice to me if he was in his right mind, so maybe it isn't really his fault?

I can say that now I think that is crap. He was abusive and he happened to also be insane. It was an added bonus of there being no real logic to his abuse. I was having my life threatened over stuff I knew was not real. I was being abused for a psycho's paranoid delusions about demons and insects. Even as I'm writing this I can't help but chuckle. Sick humor, but it is undeniable that it is there. It could seem also disturbing that such an instance could make someone laugh having lived through it. My memory is kind of distorted. I watched it happen to me. It didn't seem real, and it still doesn't seem completely real. I would much rather be able to look back at it and laugh at this. Who wants to remember such events anyway. You want to have fond memories of your past come to mind. I have had a great lack of those come to mind recently. Right now I just want to look back and laugh, or look back and have it be a vague picture in my mind. Now I'll live with this.

God help me through this as I remember it once again.

(link to art)

Parables

The disciples approached him and said, "Why do you speak to them in parables?" He said to them in reply, "Because knowledge of the mysteries of the kongdom of heaven has been granted to you, but to them it has not been granted. To anyone who has, more will be given and he will grow rich; from anyone who has not. even what has will be taken away. This is why I speak to them in parables, because 'they look but do not see and hear but do not listen or understand'.
-Matthew 13:10-13

Eve's dreams

It seems that my subconscience is worried about Adam getting mad at me. I've had two nights in a row that I did drugs in my dream and at the end of the dream I tell Adam. He does not react well to me telling him. The first one he just left. The second one, he just seemed disappointed.

The night before last I dreamed that I was meeting Adam's friends. They forced coke under my nose (not realistic) and I snorted it. Adam saw me do it and ran out. Why was he not mad at his friends? Who knows. Its what my head makes up. His friends all seemed like tv characters and a girl in the dream shoved it at my nose. My nose was covered with coke. What sucked the most in the dream was seeing others around me doing it and having the craving for more. I was worried about Adam, but I wanted more. By the end of the dream I was shoving my face in a pillow trying to ignore the other people in the room doing coke.

Tonight I had a dream that I was in my home town. This was where I had most of my drug problems. I was visiting people I use to know. Now that I'm awake, I realize they were people my head made up. There was a guy and a girl. The guy in the dream was who I was friends with more. We went to some person's house. There were alot of people standing around smoking weed. I thought, 'What the hell, I'll smoke.' So I smoked. I was stoned and the girl with me was pissing me off. I had a realization while I was stoned that these people sucked and I left. The only problem was that I had no car and I could not find my shoes. So I walked out of the house, in only socks, and started walking through the neighborhood. I knew that my parents' house was not too far off (in reality they do not live thier anymore). The dream swtiched to where I was walking around in the place I live at now. I was constantly avoiding broken glass on the ground and wishing that I had known where my shoes were and where my car was. Then Adam pulled up. He was wondering why I was walking around in just my socks. I started off telling him the story, but I did not get past telling him that I was stoned. He did not want to hear anymore. I was trying to tell him it was like the crazey stuff that usually happened in my hometown, but he did not want to listen. That was the end of the dream.

I think it is a good sign that I am dreaming about the negative effects of using drugs. For instance, making Adam mad. Also possibly wandering around with no shoes avoiding broken glass. I think that you have to worry if you have those dreams where there's cocaine everywhere and you are having a party with your friends and there are no worries and all of that crap. So, I'm not really too worried. I'm just wondering what will happen in my dream tonight. Will I be wondering around with Amnon smoking meth and run into Adam then have him leave me again in the dream. Maybe he'll kick Amnon's ass in the dream. Meth is one substance I do not want to dream about though. Especially with Amnon.

That is it for now.
God bless and good day.

(link to art)

Rape of the temple

There has been something bothering me recently. I worry about my past sexual experiences. I think about what I have done and I cannot help but to feel guilty. I have been told that when I confess my sins that God will forgive me. I have had problems forgiving myself. Why could I not have thought in the past of my body as a temple of christ. Something sacred. I can say that I have a realization of the need to be with only one person now. I need the recognition though that I am not fully to blame for what has happened.

When I was younger I did only wish to be with one person. I thought that Amnon was that person. Its obvious now that I was wrong about that. But nevertheless I gave myself to him. He was my first. I cannot say that I had a negative experience in loosing my virginity either. It was my decision and nothing went wrong. It was only later that things started to get weird. Let's say I got to the point where sex was no longer pleasurable to me at all. It was something to please him and to get him the hell away from me. If I did the slightest thing wrong he would yell at me and hit me. If I did not want to do something, he would make me cry until I agreed. In the end of the relationship, I just did what I could to get him off of me as quickly and painlessly as possible. It seemed like a chore and I simply did not see any pleasure in it, but I dreaded it instead.

Then I broke up with him, but that did not go away. I actually slept with someone else before I broke up with him. A friend of mine was sleeping with her guy and left me alone in the house with a few others. One in particular, I'll call him Shechem, was interested in me. I had been out drinking with my friend and I was drunk and tired. Well I started messing around with Shechem and he wanted to have sex. I said no. He tryed to persuade me. I said I would do whatever else, but I would not have sex with him. He would not let it go. I ran out one time, but then I went back. I do not know how many times I said no to him. Then he went down on me. I layed my head back. I was exhausted. Before I knew it he was having sex with me. I did not stop him. I was too tired. I thought, 'Whatever, its already happening anyway. I'll just let him finish.' So I did not resist.

I would like to say that is the end of my story in that area, but there is more. I'll finish some other time.

(link to art)

Temple of the Holy Spirit

Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take Christ's members and make them the members of a prostitute? Of course not! [Or] do you not know that anyone who joins himself to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For "the two," it says, "will become one flesh." But whoever is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with him. Avoid immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the immoral person sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been purchased at a price. Therefore glorify God in your body.
-1Corinthians 3:15-20