Amnon

Is it in woman's nature to take care of others? I know that I've had that view. It took great strength on my part to pay more attention to myself and to come to the conclusion that I was not capable of caring for another until I could care for myself. My greatest fault was trying to do too much for another and failing miserably time and time again.

I was with one man (more of a boy) for several years, I'll call him Amnon. When I first noticed Amnon he was incredibly intelligent and I thought he was also imaginative. He was a couple of years younger than me, though I really could not tell at the time. He did look a little younger, but he did not act it.

I was young and did not think much of him. He was entertaining enough and good looking enough to keep my interest and honestly that was all I wanted. I was very involved with school and rarely saw him. I think I was just happy to have someone there. If for nothing else but to say that I had a boyfriend. What I am trying to get through is that I did not fall in love with him. He seemed to have a different view of the relationship. Within a couple of weeks of seeing him, Amnon was telling me that he loved me. He said that I was all that he wanted. He seemed sincere. Though I had given him my honest opinion on the subject at the time. I told him that he should not say such things because he does not know what love is. How could either of us really know what it is? I didn't think that I could possibly love him. But I decided to examine it nonetheless.

The first of our relationship was rather strange. Almost a week after he told me that he loved me, all of his friends decided to ditch him at once. These were guys that he had been hanging out with since elementary school (and by the way, at this time I was a senior and he was a freshman). I felt sorry for him, and I noticed this made him incredibly depressed. This was also the first time I noticed that he was not all together stable. He made it clear to me that I was the only one that he had, and that he did not know what he would do without me. I thought he would probably kill himself or something. I had started to somewhat care for him, so I did not want such a thing hanging over my head as him killing himself. From that point on, I started to spend whatever time I was not working on school stuff with him. As I stated earlier, he was entertaining enough, and he seemed happy that he did not loose me. I think I attempted to break off at one point, but then he started crying. I am a sucker in that way.

The next event that drove us closer together was that whenever I graduated from high school, one of my friends died in a car accident. That was the first time I had dealt with death of a friend. He was there for me through that ordeal. Then again within a month of that one of his close friends died. It was one of his friends that did not ditch him. Well, you can probably see how that drove us closer together.

Through all of this I had come to the conclusion that I fell in love with him. How else could I care for someone so much without it being love? Though I think that the first of our relationship shows how it was incredibly messed up. Majority of the time I was caring for him. At one point I did not break up with him because I thought he would kill himself. I did not want that to happen. I started to acting like a care taker to Amnon. I know now that I mistaken that feeling of caring for someone under you for love. At least the love was not equal.

Maybe I did feel that it was part of my nature to care for another like I did Amnon, but it really was not my place. It is a woman's place to care for your family and your children, not to care for a sick boy that is trying to make you feel guilty for leaving him.

I will be suprised if anyone makes it through this post.

God bless.

(link to art)