Did he tell me that he was going to kill me? I don't remember right off hand. I do remember that he didn't think that I was his girlfriend. He didn't think that I was who I claimed I was. I pleaded with him at first that I was Eve, the same one that he loved. I believe that he said that I was some kind of demon and that I had killed one of his friends earlier that day. His friend was reincarnated into a spider I happened to kill in the car earlier. He told me that I had killed him when he was trying to relay a message to him. He threw me against the bed with one hand clenching my neck, and in the other was a knife. His folding knife that he carried regularly was open against my throat. I looked into his eyes and all I saw was insanity. Yes, he did tell me that he was going to kill me, and I did believe that I was going to die. He was telling me about how easy it would be to slit my throat. I didn't cry hysterically though. I didn't try to throw him off. I was numb. Completely numb. Though I think I apologized for killing 'his friend' earlier. I thought maybe it would calm him down. Maybe he wouldn't see me as his enemy anymore.
That night Amnon had taken several pills and drank heavily. I was alone in the house with him, and I knew that he was not in his right mind. For some reason though, I felt that I shouldn't tell anyone. I had a feeling that I needed to protect him. It wasn't the first time that he had done that. It wasn't the first time that my life was threatened, but that is one instance that plays through my head often. Maybe because I really thought I was going to die. I thought I was going to die and the reasoning behind it was because I killed a spider.
The next morning all was forgotten. I asked Amnon if he remembered the night before. He responded with humor when I mentioned the story about the spider. He didn't remember and he didn't think that it was real. It was like the whole abuse that was happening to me was part of my own imagination. Did anyone else see it? I told others that I thought he was mental, but they didn't believe me. Maybe I should have told them the story. I think I wanted it to be my own imagination though. I enjoyed Amnon's company most of the time. He was entertaining and I had this motherly feeling of needing to take care of him. If I didn't say anything about what happened maybe it wouldn't be true. Maybe it was only my imagination.
I think it took someone else actually telling me that he was abusive for me to realize that he was. Does that sound strange? It was really only when he was doing drugs and drinking that he acted that way, or if he was really depressed. I think I did my share of rationalization in that area. He was nice to me if he was in his right mind, so maybe it isn't really his fault?
I can say that now I think that is crap. He was abusive and he happened to also be insane. It was an added bonus of there being no real logic to his abuse. I was having my life threatened over stuff I knew was not real. I was being abused for a psycho's paranoid delusions about demons and insects. Even as I'm writing this I can't help but chuckle. Sick humor, but it is undeniable that it is there. It could seem also disturbing that such an instance could make someone laugh having lived through it. My memory is kind of distorted. I watched it happen to me. It didn't seem real, and it still doesn't seem completely real. I would much rather be able to look back at it and laugh at this. Who wants to remember such events anyway. You want to have fond memories of your past come to mind. I have had a great lack of those come to mind recently. Right now I just want to look back and laugh, or look back and have it be a vague picture in my mind. Now I'll live with this.
God help me through this as I remember it once again.
(link to art)
No comments:
Post a Comment