I had a moment about a month or so ago where I lost faith. When you lose faith everything else seems to come tumbling down around you.
Why did it happen?
I had lost the belief that I will have a child. My thoughts were that my body will not produce a child and I questioned God. I was mad and I was selfish. It took Adam to bring forward what was wrong and to question why I had little faith? Did I not truly believe that God gave good gifts? For a moment I questioned this. I questioned if I would ever have a child, which I believe is one of the biggest gifts that God gives to women. I feel ashamed of it now.
Adam had us go to mass, which I have to admit it is not something of my regular schedule. I felt like crying in church as the priest gave the sermon of the mustard seed. Why didn't I believe that God would know what is right for me? How did I let my emotions take over to such an extent. I asked for his forgiveness and everything was peaceful once again.
That was awhile ago and I still feel that I will have children. I just miscarried and am still bleeding from it, but I still have hope. I know that is important. I still have hope that I will have a child. I thank God even for giving me the chance to be pregnant, even if for a short time. It still is a blessing and I hope I have the chance to carry to term soon. I pray to God that he would give me that gift.
I was watching a video and look at pictures of fake babies and I started balling. Regardless of my faith, my head is messed up. I know it is emotions and I can see through that. I thank God for that. Sometimes I just pray that things can loosen up a little. I don't handle stress well and I am trying everything to keep from getting too stressed out. With this, I have the problems above plus I have the financial problems of trying to start a new business. Adam's position is not so great either. I do wish that I can bring my children into a similar home and situation that I had growing up, but I question that more every day.
But regardless of these hard times you always must remember to be thankful for what you have. Being able to afford a home and electricity is a blessing. Having family and friends are a blessing.
God please help me always remember the good things in times a trouble. Regardless, nothing felt worse than the moment of lost faith. Hope is an essential.
