Rape of the temple

There has been something bothering me recently. I worry about my past sexual experiences. I think about what I have done and I cannot help but to feel guilty. I have been told that when I confess my sins that God will forgive me. I have had problems forgiving myself. Why could I not have thought in the past of my body as a temple of christ. Something sacred. I can say that I have a realization of the need to be with only one person now. I need the recognition though that I am not fully to blame for what has happened.

When I was younger I did only wish to be with one person. I thought that Amnon was that person. Its obvious now that I was wrong about that. But nevertheless I gave myself to him. He was my first. I cannot say that I had a negative experience in loosing my virginity either. It was my decision and nothing went wrong. It was only later that things started to get weird. Let's say I got to the point where sex was no longer pleasurable to me at all. It was something to please him and to get him the hell away from me. If I did the slightest thing wrong he would yell at me and hit me. If I did not want to do something, he would make me cry until I agreed. In the end of the relationship, I just did what I could to get him off of me as quickly and painlessly as possible. It seemed like a chore and I simply did not see any pleasure in it, but I dreaded it instead.

Then I broke up with him, but that did not go away. I actually slept with someone else before I broke up with him. A friend of mine was sleeping with her guy and left me alone in the house with a few others. One in particular, I'll call him Shechem, was interested in me. I had been out drinking with my friend and I was drunk and tired. Well I started messing around with Shechem and he wanted to have sex. I said no. He tryed to persuade me. I said I would do whatever else, but I would not have sex with him. He would not let it go. I ran out one time, but then I went back. I do not know how many times I said no to him. Then he went down on me. I layed my head back. I was exhausted. Before I knew it he was having sex with me. I did not stop him. I was too tired. I thought, 'Whatever, its already happening anyway. I'll just let him finish.' So I did not resist.

I would like to say that is the end of my story in that area, but there is more. I'll finish some other time.

(link to art)