Blessing of the New Year

This is my first New Year with our dear baby. She is so precious and in seeing my past writing I remember even more so what a blessing she is. She is sitting with her father playing in my parents living room as I write. I am taken up with her so much I can usually hardly write or take on activities to my own pleasure; but that in itself I see with happiness. That is the hardest thing to explain to those without children, but something I understand fully now.

I was trying to remember where Jesus warned of a time where women would no longer want children as a horrible thing. I fully understand that now. There is no greater joy than being a mother. I was told that would be a joy I would never enjoy without help of a doctor or through other means. That had changed with faith, prayer and exercise.

Now we are trying to get our little one to crawl or walk. It is a wonderful way to spend the last day of the year; with your family.

Christmas Eve

It is Christmas time and I can hardly believe it. It sneaks up on you when you live in a setting with no real seasons. Seeing the time I am typing tonight I will be surprised if I make it to midnight mass this evening.

I don't quite have the spirit. If I thought to much of it, it would probably bring me to tears. The virgin birth, our savior coming to earth. I start thinking of how miraculous any birth is. I asked for family members to donate to pro-life charities. They didn't take it seriously. I would prefer to give chance for life coming in this world than any material gift though. Children are so precious and yet are greatly devalued. The common person was insulted by my suggestion. It does break my heart when I hear their outcry against pro-life, its against life in general.

I haven't put anything political here before. I didn't mean to do so either. I had a picture of myself going to mass tonight and tears streaming down my face. Its mostly emotions. I do acknowledge that, but is it really that bad.

I think of Mary and all I think of is I pray for a similar gift. I pray for the gift of child. I think there is no better gift to have. Isn't that part of what this is about? Our lord and savior was born to this world in the setting of a manger and a young mother, scared and making her way with a new life and husband. This is birthday celebration. Jesus was born.

I don't know if I'm making sense. I need sleep. I continue to pray that the Lord will bless me with child. I would give everything I have for this. I was thinking of that today. What is this job to me, what is most without having a family. Mary, pray for me.

To a wonderful Christmas Eve....

All Souls Day

I went to church without the realization that it was All Souls Day. I have to admit that holiday's become a blur, especially if they are not celebrated by our society as a whole. I have a feeling of comfort though every time I allow myself to fall into the routine of going to church on Sunday and thinking of our lives in a religious connotation.

I remember my grandmother giving me statues of Mother Mary during important events like my First Communion and Confirmation, that was the last she was alive for. My aunt always reminding me that I am her God Daughter and giving me rosaries or crucifixes whenever we are together. In fact she still does.

My life and my image has always been tied very close to the Catholic Church. I did loose a sense of that for a few years. I had lost my sense of right and wrong. It took reading St. Thomas Aquinas and prayer to bring me back to the church fully, but I know that there are many that are not as lucky as me. It seems to me that Catholic today has about as much meaning to some who call themselves Jewish. They don't celebrate the religious activities of the Church, but their image is tied to the Church in their upbringing and their family's connections to the church. For them, they go on with their life and the church they grew up with is no longer a part of their lives. I don't know who is to blame for this transition; all I do know is that it is real.

There are certain things I could think that may play part in this. Going to mass and not recognizing it as the same. There may be gentile guitars instead of the strong sound of the organ pipes or their may be interpretive dance and songs that are unrecognizable to you. Those little things are important to Catholic mass, since so much is out of habit and repetition. I find eating and drinking the body and blood of Christ essential to mass. A major problem is that many churches seem to cut out half of the Eucharist. Today, I didn't even see anyone serving the blood of Christ. I saw it blessed and then it disappeared. This left me troubled. Also, I noticed that they were speaking at the end of mass about activities for teens and how they need to sign up quickly for these events to make sure they get a place. I counted two in the entire church today. Adam leaned over to me and whispered, "I don't think they will have too much competition for those spots." I nodded and clapped for the speaker.

I know there is a great secularization in our society and I fear the impact of this, but I also fear of the reaction of religious institutions. When everything in our life is confused by sin and there is constant confrontation from a secular society, church should be the comfort zone for its followers. Why must their be change other than to revert to our older traditions?

Those are the things going through my head today. I love the church and I love being a Catholic and I pray for the future of the church. I don't know who is to lead them when we are older and I do not know who will populate its masses. I just have a feeling for the adults today, that when we are old, the church will not be what we remembered in our youth.

My Prayer

I pray for successful conception. Mother Mary pray for me. Lord Jesus Christ please help me. I know I will only conceive with your blessing. I pray that you make it possible to start my family and so my husband will know the full joys of growing a family together. In your name I pray, Amen.

Hope

I had a moment about a month or so ago where I lost faith. When you lose faith everything else seems to come tumbling down around you.

Why did it happen?

I had lost the belief that I will have a child. My thoughts were that my body will not produce a child and I questioned God. I was mad and I was selfish. It took Adam to bring forward what was wrong and to question why I had little faith? Did I not truly believe that God gave good gifts? For a moment I questioned this. I questioned if I would ever have a child, which I believe is one of the biggest gifts that God gives to women. I feel ashamed of it now.

Adam had us go to mass, which I have to admit it is not something of my regular schedule. I felt like crying in church as the priest gave the sermon of the mustard seed. Why didn't I believe that God would know what is right for me? How did I let my emotions take over to such an extent. I asked for his forgiveness and everything was peaceful once again.

That was awhile ago and I still feel that I will have children. I just miscarried and am still bleeding from it, but I still have hope. I know that is important. I still have hope that I will have a child. I thank God even for giving me the chance to be pregnant, even if for a short time. It still is a blessing and I hope I have the chance to carry to term soon. I pray to God that he would give me that gift.

I was watching a video and look at pictures of fake babies and I started balling. Regardless of my faith, my head is messed up. I know it is emotions and I can see through that. I thank God for that. Sometimes I just pray that things can loosen up a little. I don't handle stress well and I am trying everything to keep from getting too stressed out. With this, I have the problems above plus I have the financial problems of trying to start a new business. Adam's position is not so great either. I do wish that I can bring my children into a similar home and situation that I had growing up, but I question that more every day.

But regardless of these hard times you always must remember to be thankful for what you have. Being able to afford a home and electricity is a blessing. Having family and friends are a blessing.

God please help me always remember the good things in times a trouble. Regardless, nothing felt worse than the moment of lost faith. Hope is an essential.

I need a hobby and some exercise

My legs ache for no real reason. I can't figure it out. I am constantly aching at my hip as well. I think I need some exercise. My problem is that my anxiety gets in the way of that and what time I do spend walking I am aching. Does it ever get easier? My biggest problem is I feel like I am in a transition point. I know I am, which it should be wonderful because I know what the next stage is. The next stage of life is the most beautiful part of all. At least that is what I feel like right now. Motherhood is next...

I know it is.

No, I am not pregnant. Yes, I have been trying to be a mother for a year now. I still do know it will be coming soon. I try every day to add something more to make life better and to get myself ready for that stage. It started with simple things like perfecting my hygiene. Then it went to trying to make sure that I do things like take vitamins and try to cut out the extra caffeine during the day. I hope for everything else will fall into place.

Though there is one little thing that is probably why am not pregnant. Actually, not a little thing, I am overweight. I've been overweight since I stopped drinking, smoking and other such unhealthy habits I stopped before I married Adam. Now it is actually quite normal for even one of those things to push you from being a petite little cute girl into an overweight woman. Now I had all of those with an under active thyroid and some anxiety issues that made it hard for me to leave the house.

I can not use those excuses anymore. I've been able to get everything else under control. I tried going to a therapist to get my anxiety under control, but unfortunately that did not work. I found myself after more than one session to anxious to leave the car. I had to have Adam come pick me up from about thirty minutes away from the office. I have generalized anxiety. I have figured out I just have to work around the bad times. Now I just need to get over it enough to loose weight.

You notice that is not the only thing in the title. The other part also has to do with the transitions in my life. I am trying to keep down my anxiety, work a normal job, prepare to have a baby and let Adam do his job. His takes a few more hours than mine. That means I need to occupy myself when he works. I thought of classes, but that is too stressful. Before that I thought I would help him, that was not much better. So I have to have something to occupy me that won't stress me.

Maybe just writing. I think that sounds good.

My head is heavy

My head is heavy. I have things I want to do, but not the energy to move. Several things that move around in my head of what I would want to do. I want to paint a woman with dark brown hair. I see the highlights on her face in my head. I see the color of paints and think of the mixtures to create the colors. I see the finished product and at the same time the original outline. Why I see this woman. I have no idea. I also have no idea of why I want to paint her. I also hear the piano. I can think of pieces I want to work on and know that my hands need to relearn them. The notes still make sense in my head, but it is my fingers that are not up to speed with my brain. I have a fear of loosing those notes all together and so want to play. I also greatly enjoy playing. Hearing the song flow exactly as you expect it to in your head. It brings you to a different place that is more peaceful, because music is the only thing you are concentrating on. Music is quite different when your whole body is into the action of creating it. I'm thinking of all these things, but now I am sitting on the couch thinking of how my head hurts and the bed sounds so good right now. The only thing that keeps me from walking those extra steps is the warmth of Adam's body against me on the couch. My head is so heavy and my brain hurts to function. I hate my sinuses.